confessions of a fallback girl

fallback girl
function: noun

1: an individual who dates a man or woman after a serious relationship, helping them recover or learn from the previous, unwanted relationship while preparing them for the next relationship, never being considered as a viable candidate for commitment or relationship.

every couple of years i like to evaluate my life - take a look at what's working, what isn't and make adjustments as needed. in recent years i've noticed a few patterns, some that i'm happy with and others that require a complete overhaul.

over the past 10 years my role as a fallback girl has been as consistent as a monthly visit from aunt flow. a fallback is similar to sarah jessica parker's character in failure to launch - she is the springboard to get men out of the house, a fallback is the springboard to getting the typical heartbroken and scorned man back on the "playing field".

my first stint began my sophomore year of high school with the young man you currently know as 10. the fallback role lasted approximately 10 years, hence his nickname.

now how did this lovely merry-go-round of "i only see you when she's not available" begin you ask? let's retrace the steps . . . after a nasty break up with my first "true" love, 10 and I dated for about a month before he broke up with me to start dating his on again off again girl, with me, of course, filling in the gaps during their breakups.

several years after their relationship dissolved, he and i continued to see each other, but the spark was lost. eventually he and i realized that a relationship would not work with us and he is now a distant memory, but i have taken note of the fact that he is not the only person i've filled this role for.

there have been at least three other guys i've nurtured back to dating health or to the arms of the one's they weren't sure they wanted initially. in that, i am happy that i am able to produce productive dating citizens, however, my emotions become drained and tainted by the trauma of getting close to someone to have the rug snatched up from under me once they've achieved the goal of getting over the ex or making her suffer long so that he can go back.

am i too open, to fun, fabulous and fly to resist or do i emit some horomone which says that i'm the girl that can help a guy regain his mojo . . . guys often tell me i'm easy to talk to because i am not a "typical girl", but is this quality keeping me from the man of my dreams?

unavailable men are attracted to me like a mosquito's are attracted to sweet skin. no matter how many times i say to the universe i don't share, borrow or steal another woman's man i am tested by some charming ass man who just ended a relationship. every time i feel he could be "the one" and i find myself fixing him and hurting myself in the process.

my latest stint as fallback girl was a crushing experience and i vow to retire my jersey until my chi is free and clear of all emotional baggage and clutter. my heart is a beautiful thing and i can't continue to have it trampled on by men using me as a temp while they continue to interview a full time replacement.

do what you gotta do . . .

after too many months of making the most out of something so right it was wrong, i have finally called it quits with the boy. now those close to me have heard this too many times to count and have even suggested that this time is not the last, but the greater DC area can rest assured that the dynamic duo is no more.

its difficult to put our situation into words, but in the six months i spent with the boy i learned more about my ability to learn, love, forgive and become fed up.

it was the best of times - he spent time with me and mommie, had the rare oppotunity to meet my father and professed his love for me (first). it was the worst of times - he lied, cheated and disrespected me as a friend. he was my best friend and worst enemy. we brought out the best in the other and enabled our negative traits. we appreciated each other and neglected each other. we'd met our match.

i learned my limits and would not change that. the journey i took to accomplish that goal compromised to much of who i am and who i want to be and i will never forgive him for that. but i appreciate him for the opportunity to learn and love.

when did you fall in love with hip hop?

after a full morning of shopping, washing clothes, getting my hair done and watching movies, i'm now starving and waiting for the sun to set. as black august comes to a close, i'm getting the itch to call it even and say i did my part in the struggle. then i'm reminded of the 26.2 in january and my inner fortitude kicks in.

my girl C and i just finished watching brown sugar and in an effort to discourage any pre-sunset eating i'm consider the main question of this film - when did you fall in love with hip hop?

i'd have to say i fell in love with hip hop my sophomore year of high school. after a night of joyriding and having a little underage fun, my friend footes popped in a cd and i knew that love was real. hearing black thought plea with the object of his affection rang in my ears and created a bond that spans over 10 years. silent treatment was the first roots song i ever heard and i have been in love with the band ever since. everthing from random free concerts in b-more, the annual show at the 9:30 club to the most recent show at fur, the roots are a staple in my life.

now, i'd heard hip hop before and appreciated it in its formative years, but the roots gave me a new outlook - hip hop was more than rap. as an only child i grew up on anita baker, johnny gill before new edition, teena marie and al green. listening to 95.5 wasn't my mother's thing and my thing was her thing.

the roots gave way to talib, talib to mos def and the journey continues til this day.

ode to reggie

praise god . . . thank you, jesus

wiser words have never been spoken - actions speak louder than words

happy black august

i spent the weekend in atlanta. my girl had business to tend to and i went along for the ride to avoid sitting in my own misery. over the course of a day and a half i was inspired, enlightened and encouraged.

the lsat won't be so bad

in the 5 years since i left the gates of tougaloo college i've been toying with the idea of going to grad school, but never made any major steps to do anything real. recently i've been hit with the law school bug, so i've started the process of truly wrapping my brain around the idea. we shall see, i've been told that i have the ego to be a lawyer. would i be wrong to take that as a compliment?

48 laws of power . . .

my temper has been one of my pitfalls for many years - ask any of my friends. in a matter of moments i can switch from mary poppins to the hulk in 3.8 seconds flat when provoked. my weekend host and former college classmate is reading 48 laws of power and suggested i give it a look. one of the rules/explainations that jumped at me dealt with control of ones emotions. over the years i've gotten sooo much better at this, but its a daily battle for me. damn near spiritual warfare to put it mildly.

the most recent victim of my wrath was a dear friend. he and i have gone back in forth before, but this disagreement quickly switched from a colorful conversation to a one sided attack. in an effort to create a new wedge, i pushed him over the edge.

one of those rules said something to the effect of knowing when to stop. i wish i'd read that rule before and known when to shut the f*ck up. fasting and heated conversations with the love of your life don't mix. its a little late now to fix a heart that's broken . . .

cspan is best discussed at 1 AM

cspan ran a panel discussion about the state of the young black man in america with panelist such as bill cosby, raz baraka and the val and sal of a local high school, both yound black men. the discussion prompted an active conversation that has put the fire under me to do more with my free time than watch project runway or run my mouth on the phone.

i stand corrected

apparently (and according to Young, Black, and Fabulous) ms. alexis "blank" is not the same chick he mentions on his first album. either way it goes, i wish them the best of luck and future blessings since hollywood couples aren't doing that well these days.

as I sit and listen to John Legend's "Ordinary People" and scroll through People's timeline of Star Breakups I'm reminded how difficult relationships can be no matter who you are. even with the support of family, friends and fans and having countless counselors at their disposal, celebs face the same problems we do in relationships, we're all human.

my last relationship was marvelous when it was good and horrific when it was bad, but overall, i'd never been as happy with anyone as I was with him. by no fault of our own, we were constantly involving other people in our issues and problems, and rarely included anyone in our happier times, making it difficult for anyone to offer the positive support we needed to handle negative situations.

in retrospect, one of our mutual friends made the statement that if the honeymoon phase isn't problem free then the relationship isn't worth the effort. i'd have to disagree. i think having trouble free days, weeks, month or even years sets false expectations and when a disagreement final comes up the "love" is blown out of the water.

based on my most recent experience i'd rather fight it out early to clean up any mess that would rear its ugly head later. in learning how to argue on the front end you're more likely to incorporate more positive communication habits later.

overall, unlike demi and aston, couples will fight and face the harsh reality of miscommunication, its how you weather the storm that counts in the long run. my hats go off to the couples who have mastered this and show the ordinary people how its really done. thoughts?

say it isn't so kanye . . .

its pitiful that this is what has brought me back to the blogging circle, but it is what it is.

i was so upset it took me a whole day to get over the recent news - my lover is now engaged - the horror. it doesn't matter that we have never met, he was being a little too hasty in popping the question before actually meeting me.

if you live in a hip hop news bubble, kanye west has proposed to his on-again-off-again (ex) girlfriend, alexis "blank". i was comforted in the fact that he didn't propose to that brooke chick, but i've lost faith in my fellow snoops, as not a single one can come up with a last name for this unidentified woman.

are none of you journalist kanye fans? have any of you been listening? has anyone considered that the unknown alexis' last name is perhaps, rany (sp?)?

track 8 of kanye's first album, college dropout, never let me down features the following lyrics:

So i promised to Mr. Rany i'm gonna marry your daughter . . .

1 + 1 always = 2

now, it has also been mentioned that the girl in question was around prior to his infamous 2002 car accident. i bet that this alexis "blank" is probably a delta, too, if you do some investigating and listen hard enough.

And just imagine how my girl feel
On the plane scared as hell that her guy look like Emitt Till
She was with me before the deal she been trying to be mine
She a delta so she been throwing that Dynasty sign

Through the Wire, College Dropout

well, my pain has been replaced with my desire to reveal this chicks true identity. the search continues . . .