reunited and it feels too good

on sunday i was faced with the horror of attacking my apartment to look for my birth certificate for my trip to hawaii and washing several loads of clothes. once i walked into the apartment i realized that i would need a little help from the opposite sex to move things around to actually find anything.

as my luck would have it, my list of able bodied men ready to jump at the chance to help a temptress in distress all live in the great state of miss'ippi. i was up shit's creek without a paddle and resorted to desperate measures to get a little help. as i searched my phone for who to call i made two calls, both placed as pseudo tests of loyalty . . .

the first to the little boy, the second to the perpetual ten year ex, yup you guessed it - the guy who placed me in the pre-engagement girlfriends club also known as "10". these calls would only produce the exact results i wasn't looking for . . .

after spending the day at diva527's washing clothes, i headed to my new temporary home - the holiday inn. i checked my voicemail and was taken aback by the message and the sender. it was 10. our last conversation replayed in my head and my heart floated in a uncomfortable heaviness. i took down his number and debated making the call. i dialed the numbers and after several rings a female answered:

NT: may i speak to 10
un id'ed female: you have the wrong number
NT: excuse the call

dayummmmmm, thank goodness, cuz if that was her, he is bold as hell

dial again . . . he picks up on the second ring . . . and a wave of uncomfortable ease comes over me. as we catch up on small talk, i of course give him the run down of my experience with the little boy. damn my need to look like i've moved on, but hell, ain't nobody sittin around waiting on a soon to be married man.

then the conversation rolls in a familiar direction, a direction that an engaged man could/should never take a conversation. the elephant in the room.

10: can i see you?
NT: ummm, so anyway, can you believe this man stopped talking to me because i left my underwear at his house?
10: are you ignoring my question on purpose?
NT: that is not a question you should ask
10: the question you don't want to ask was answered when i left you that voicemail. are you really that slow?
NT: my inner blonde takes over every once in a while, why don't you just tell me . . .
10: she's gone

SHE'S GONE! WTF? that's what the fuck i'm talking about, i spent hour upon hour crying my eyes out for you to get engaged, buy a house, move a chic in, bicker with her over trivial BS, breakup, call off your engagement and put her the fuck out - all in less than a year and a half.

WTF??????

of course the daytime drama of NT and 10 picked up right where it left off and the quicksand closed in around my old navy flip flops . . .

just my luck

as my spring/summer luck would have it, i recently experienced a major set back in my effort to end the cycle with the little boy. i wanted to have an adult conversation to bring closure to our situation, but i was beaten to the punch by my own haste.

two tuesdays ago, the little boy allowed me to play house, due to my housing situation. after a lovely evening, i decided to change clothes in the closest bathroom. i grabbed clothes from the bag that i'd sloppily packed earlier that evening, picking up the first thing i saw that was remotely casual. after quickly changing, i reached to turn off the bathroom light and noticed that i'd dropped a sock that apparently fell out of the pants that i threw on. i picked up the black sock and went about my business with the little boy as usual . . .

the next evening while on my way to momma's house to pack for my trip to the 'sip, i called the little boy to shoot the shit. he promptly invited me and momma over so momma could see his new house. we take the grand tour and we leave shortly after. a good evening, or so i thought.

several hours later i receive a not so pleasent phone call from the little boy, here is the conversation:

Little Boy: we need to talk
NT: oooookay, about what?
LB: dude . . .
NT: oh, come on, why because we came over there, its not that deep, you invited us over
LB: naw, dude, you left your panties in my bathroom
NT: what, no, i did not
LB: yes you did, but you know what, don't worry about it
NT: what do you mean "don't worry about it", if i left my panties in your bathroom, it was completely unintentional
LB: naw, man, that was fucked up, don't worry about it . . . [click]

he hangs up in my face and sends me a text message to ensure i know that i am no longer welcome in his home. the text message exchange gets increasingly more heated and continues for the next 30 minutes. i call his home and cell to stop the texting madness and talk like two adults, but he sends my calls to voicemail. i continue to send messages explaining my position of embarrassment and innocence, to no avail.

my guess is that a chick came over and saw the panties and called him out on the panties . . . whatever the reason his response was completely uncalled for.

note to self: always check the floor for all of your stuff when changing clothes at psycho scorpio's house, you'll save your self a lot of drama in the long run . . .

"big momma thick wit it" seeks diet advice from pop idol

how hard can it be to lose 15 pounds a month for 4 months? apparently not too difficult if you ask ms. dupree AKA janet jackson. now i'm not one to flash my voluptuousness on national television, but when it comes to dropping 60 pounds, hell 25 for that matter, i'm going to follow the diet queen's obvious path of results. now, what i won't do is lie about why i gained the extra weight i put on. i'm not trying out the new big girl look, nor am i attempting to see the difference in the attention i get from guys with different looks - long hair/big body, long hair/little body - i just put on weight, plain and simple.

now as we age, we all pack on a pound or two, but as a former hot body (not my own quote, thank god) and avid runner there was no reason for me to EVER wear a size 14. somehow my love for food took precedence over my 12 grade vow to never get any larger than a small 10. looking back i see each phase in my life that added another little pound to my frame and cannot fault myself for overeating, but i can fault my inner temptress for not doing something to combat my need to eat in the face of adversity.

phase 1 - sophomore year and birth control. yeah, i blame my pills. i ate anything that wasn't moving and didn't care to stop myself. my mother promptly stepped in and provided me with an inspirational quote that i will forever hold near and dear to my heart. "its birth control for you because no one will want to have sex with you - you've gotten too big!"

let's just say that i stopped taking the pill and shed the pounds very quickly.

phase 2 - post graduation/real job + real money = real food. once you've switched from the diet of ramen noodles to the diet of hamburger helper, the pounds seem to slip in there out of nowhere. eating regular meals and not drinking and dancing in place of dinner can really do a number on your metabolism. food was my friend, food that was a step up from cafeteria meals was my lover.

luckily i had a roommate who gave me the running bug and i trained for a 1/2 marathon in the dead of summer - the pounds fell off and my inner janet began to surface.

phase 3 - on again off again love. as my dear friend AM mentioned the other day, the self inflicted torture of love can have many effects on a woman. my outlet for any break up was to wallow in my misery and forfeit any type of energy that would make me attractive to anyone of the opposite sex. this was then intensified by the desire to be as desirable as humanly possible and the pounds would again float off . . . this same phase continues to this very day.

now what? i'm going to by us weekly, read the article like a diet crack fiend and apply any and every principle of JJ's regimen to my lifestyle - IMMEDIATELY!!! i'm running the race for the cure in June, i'm running the rock and roll 1/2 marathon in september and will continue to run as long as my knee will allow me to. this on again off again battle of the bulge is now officially over, as my muse has set a standard that i cannot ignore.

hawaii here i come!!!

thanks again destiny's child . . . you said it better than i ever could - he even said so himself

apparently i used the wrong song to describe the latest installment of "playing with the little boy who is as crazy as i am, if not more".

two saturdays before my apartment flood i found out that the reason the little boy kept going in and out of my life was the fact that he had a girlfriend . . . interesting how anything done in the dark comes to light . . . more info to come . . . cuz you know it gets juicier :)

Is She The Reason

I thought that this was somethin Promising that one day
It would turn into something (This)
Thought the feelings were mutual
And I didn't have to guess
Started being skeptical
Always unavailable
Like ya didn't know
But now I'm feelin' something (This)
Tellin' me this may not be the real something (That)
You was showing me
Now I'm ready and you runnin'
Damn you got me open
Now I'm feelin' like I'm chokin'
Now where am I to go?

I can't -believe that you can't feel my heart
And I can't - believe you let me fall so hard
Stop playin' - How could you let it go this far?
If you had doubts that I wasn't the one
You said - That you’re the type to take it slow
You said - Before I stepped I’d let you know
Stop playin' - Before you let me see you with her
You coulda told me a change was gon' come

Chorus
Is she the reason you don't call like you use to
Fall thru my hood like you use to
Put it on me hard like you use to do
I feel in my mind what's goin' on but my heart won't let me go until I know
Is she the reason that my calls
Couldn't reach ya
the deepest of my love
Couldn't please ya or bring it to me home
Like you use to do
Seeing her fallin 'for your charm got me feelin' like I wasn't good enough

See I know we not official (No)
Us being official
Ain't ever been an issue (No)
It came down to us
Boy remember we were different?
You said that we'd talked
If we ever had a problem bout anything
I was cool with no commitment
WAIT!!!
Let me take that back
It was you, so I was with it
(See)
I guess I didn't get
When you showed
You didn't miss it
Now it seems that your interest ain't here
We ain't the same

All you had to say
Was this ain't what
You want I wouldn't be so hurt
and I could just move on
You had me believing that everything
Was my fault
But I can see it now
It's a situation that I must let go
Cause you ain't
Gonna be a man and let me know
I guess me seeing you
With her tells it all

i'm a displaced resident, but i'm still here . . .

first let me say, when it rains it pours.

in one of my initial post i mentioned the fact that my heater broke in the dead of winter. after enduring several months with several space heaters, i was fortunate of finally have my heating and cooling unit replaced last tuesday, or so i thought . . .

after spending a lovely evening with Diva527 at Arena Stage, i walked home and was greeted by my neighbor . . .

friendly neighbor: you're [nubianteptress], right? did you hear about your apartment?
NT: no, did something happen?
FN: oooh, well, yeah. apparently a pipe burst in your apartment and well, there was some damage. there are fans in my place - the water damage is pretty bad and i hear your damage is worse. i just want you to be prepared, i hear its bad . . .

1st thought - what the fuck? why didn't anyone contact me?
2nd thought - where am i gonna sleep?
3rd thought - WHAT THE FUCK???

so i make my way up stairs and find this . . .

okay, so maybe not that exactly, but this is what i really found . . .

now for those of you who know me, i know that sometimes my apartment looks like this because i put off my weekly cleaning and straightening session, but couple this mess with the loud hum of 7 industrial fans and the dark of night and this is not to pretty, especially if you have no idea what you're gonna see and you can't see it.

soooo, needless to say, i stayed with Dive527 and my lovely god dog for the night and fought back the urge to cry, kick and scream because my building's management happens to be the worse set of fuckers in america . . .

so it's been awhile because i'm a displaced resident . . . i'll start posting from work, i guess, but pray for me and my sanity, because with all of this BS, i'm struggling at work and my pseudo relation/friendship have suffered tremendously . . . note to self, when changing close in a rush, don't leave your panties on the floor at the little boy's house, he will never speak you again . . .

in the infamous words of one of my favorite artist and fellow aries, jill scott have kept me from succumbing to the constant whips and chains of the universe --

I keep - Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep - Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep - Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep - I keep smiling when I come thru …and I cry when I need too

thank you destiny's child . . .

I gave my heart to you
I gave up my friends like you said I should do
Put aside my smile for you
Threw out my dreams if you said you didn't approve
I gave my mind, compromise my life just to see I'd find
you were trying hold me back slowly throwing me off of my track
Disappointed again

I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it, through with it, love
I'm through with it, through with it, love
I'm through with it, through with it, love
I'm finally giving it up
I've given so much in the past for a love I never had
I’m through with it
I'm, I'm through with it, love
I'm through with it, through with it, love
I'm finally giving it up.

Oh, there you go, comparing me
To every little model on the tv screen
Oh there you go, complaining to me, cause I wanna spend time with my family
My esteem has gone down
You never wanna take me out
You make me feel dumb, and alone
I don't know where to go
I'm through with it

I shared all my secrets with you
Even when it hurt telling the truth
I Paralyze my growth for you
I gave you control felt so helpless without you
Couldn’t be a friend
To anyone happy
Cause with you I see
misery loves company
no no, if this is love
Cause if it's love
I don't want it anymore
I'm through with it

Why do I feel so empty?
I’m crying out for some stability
Destroy my many insecurities
I'm breaking down somebody pray for me
Need a love like no other not an ordinary love
Restore my joy, wisdom and courage
Lord I need your love
I found a new love, I found new, found a new love
I finally found it in God

I found a new love
I found a new, found a new love
I found a new, found a new love
I found a new, found a new love
I finally found it in God
I've given so much in the past, for a love I've always had
I've found a new...
I, I, found a new love
I found a new, found a new love
I finally found it in God!