pre-engagement girlfriend's club

of course good times don't last always, but there is no reason for the recent turn events . . .

while enjoying my favorite drink at one of my wednesday watering holes i was pleasantly presented with unpleasant information . . .

let's take a step or two back -- part of the reason for my blog title is the not so recent "breakup" of myself and a young man i "dated' on and off for a little less than 11 years -- yes 11. i used the terms breakup and dated loosely because though what the two of us shared was special and something most of our closest friends will never really understand it is best described as an untraditional/complex mess of a relationship in its simplest form.

he and i (note: i did not use the word WE) met in high school and hindsight being what it is, i would not take back a moment spent together, however, i would change a few things. over the years and several break ups between us and our significant others (which means that at times we were actively cheating on our b/g'friend's -- unfortunately there is something about those stolen moments) we maintained a shaky, yet strong connection.

during the first chapter of our relationship i played a significant role in the dissolution of one of his relationships and carried the stigma of being "that girl" with his family, so the chance of me being the "girlfriend" was highly unlikely. despite knowing this and wearing the scarlet letter of being "the other woman", the relationship pressed forward. in the most recent chapter of the "relationship" and many years later, there was a shift . . . the discussion of the possibility of moving in together, marriage and children did come into play, but there was hesitation on both ends due to baggage.

over the past two to three years, the relationship rollercoaster took over and he and i were left at its mercy . . . he didn't want a commitment (bullshit), i wasn't sure if he was "the one" (a reasonable doubt, but still bullshit). the truth was and is this -- he'd being with me for YEARS and he wanted something new; i knew he wasn't right for me on a lifestyle level, but the overall compatibility was there as far as personalities and the like (wink) -- we were capable of making it for the long haul, but the initial hurdle of making it a legitimate committment was too high to jump.

as of february 2005, we finally went our separate ways, maintaining a crazy connection that remained unbroken, until now.

in less than a year's time, my former love overcame his fear of relationships and commitment and has become - you guessed it - ENGAGED! to add insult to injury this exciting news was passed on to me thru a mutual acquaintance, despite the fact that over the past three weeks i've spoken to and even seen him. apparently, he didn't have the nerve to tell me, he was trying to prepare me.

prepare me for what? how is one ever prepared for that news? as i write this i'm still processing the emotions surrounding being the pre-engagement girl. the girl who was repeatedly told "i'm not ready" or in the midst of a heated argument that i was never "gonna be the one and only" in sheer contrast to the ongoing actions and contradicting statements . . .

disappointment . . .inadequacy . . . the overwhelming angst of "will i ever be lucky enough to find the love of my life, have kids and live happily ever after (preferably BEFORE my ex's wedding date)" are just some of the emotions that i'm processing.

i'm still not sure what's worse . . . the embarrassment of crying in the bathroom at a club, while drunk chicks slur words of encouragement or playing multiple versions "i can't make you love me" (bonnie ratt and kimberley locke have the best versions, in my opinion)/brian mcknight's "one last cry"/al green's "how can you mend a broken heart"/erykah badu's "green eyes" (i should be credited as a contributing writer - these lyrics speak to me like no other song)/justin timerlake's "never again"/britney's "everytime"/jill scott's "show me" and coldplay's "a message" over and over again hoping for the moment that this will all make sense and the pain will subside.

luckily i have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for in this moment of emotional torment . . . thank you for the bathroom pep talk, the hefty margarita and a lovely manicure in honor of my he ain't shit/congrats on the new job moment. thanks for listening to me cry on the phone despite your personal needs-- including studying for law school finals. i love each of you for allowing me recount every moment of my disfunctional relationship without judgment and giving me time to just sit and wallow in these moments of emotional frailty.

so for the weekend i'll be running 20 miles . . . during those miles i will relinquish any emotional baggage and move forward with my plan for happiness in 2006. there is no way that this blink on my radar will slow me down. when it comes down to it and in the words of one of my favorite bands . . . everythings not lost . . .