countdown . . . are you ready?

so i will be waking up in a few hours to embark on a journey that less than 1% of the population actually completes -- my very first marathon.

so i'm nervous about several things . . . my mental and physical preparation . . . whether or not i ate too much mac and cheese over the past week . . .if my new knee injury is going to effect my performance at all . . . how long the run will take . . . and what time i'll finish.

training for four months was more than worth it, i mean, who wouldn't want to lose weight, tone up and increase endurance. i also had the opportunity to meet a lot of really nice people and come on I FOUND A JOB because of it, and that came right on time.

hopefully the weather will cooperate tomorrow and we will have a dry run, i'm super excited and ready for this to be OVER!

is that too much?

for those of you who don't know, i am a huge kanye west fan. so much so that my co-workers of a little more than a month already know the deal. so when i received an email from a coworker prompting me to take a look at an article about kanye west portraying Jesus on the cover of rolling stone, i had to recover from the initial shock of not knowing about a kanye move this significant. i quickly visited the article -- my, my, my, what an image. now, kanye is not the first artist to take such liberties and he definitely won't be the last, however, shouldn't this iconic image be off limits?

we all remember nas and diddy (at that time puffy, or was it puff daddy?) evoking the image of Jesus on the crucifix in the hate me now video and the backlash that resulted, so what exactly does kanye expect to get out of this? he is already hated on and despised in social, entertainment and political circles, doesn't this just open up a whole new market of haters and critics?

i'm all for artistic freedom, but as a christian i think this oversteps some boundaries that a better left well enough alone. kanye i love you, but you've taken jesus walks to a whole new level and i'm not sure you're gonna get what you want out of this move.

my self-analysis

my horoscope --

Quickie: Slow progress is frustrating, but don't doubt that this is the right thing to do.

Overview: Face it: You'll never be able to fully understand what goes on in someone else's mind, no matter how long or how well you think you know them. Instead, pay attention to knowing the vagaries of your own mind.

my analysis --

due to the fact that i still don't have closure with my ex (slow progress), i no longer enjoy the company of gentlemen callers (frustration).

men are dumb; they say stupid things and make stupid decisions (i never understood that). i am going to visit Merriam Webster and write dr. phil (to understand the vagaries of my own mind).

about last night . . .PART III

once we arrived at a's house around 2:45 am i realized that both of us were a little too intoxicated to completely restrain ourselves, but that didn't deter my urge to get answers to the questions that has lingered with me for the past two years. there were 6 other people with us, so privacy in a one bedroom apartment was not an option. it was raining and too cold for us to stand outside to talk so we resorted to juvenile measures and retreated to the tiny bathroom.

the door closes, the light is switched off and the door locks . we immediately stepped into our normal embrace - a simple hug - and the moment of truth weighs heavy in the small room . . .

did you miss me?
yes, i missed you, i miss you.
i began to cry (again - thank goodness for waterproof mascara . . . alcohol, ex's and emotions just don't mix)
he feels me crying and kisses me gently on the neck, a gesture that was a common greeting for us over the years.
did you ever really love you?
yes.
when did you know you loved me?
he puts his hands on both sides of my face, looks me in the eyes - as i sat in the airport waiting to get on a plane for the first time [in my life] to see you.
what happened, when did you stop?
i don't know. i'm so sorry, i don't know what else to say
i cry more.
don't do that, slim, please don't cry.
he takes my face in his hands, wipes away my tears, kisses me once on the lips and again on the neck. we stand holding each other in silence until our friends realize that we're missing and there is a knock on the door - what are y'all doing?
he whispers, when do you have a day off?

i understand the intent in this question or my perception of his intent and know that the innocence of this moment is fleeting and answer simply - i don't have any days off - and with that the moment is gone. in that small window of time, in that small bathroom i was left to pick up the few words that were slipping away and create closure . . . this was the end of a chapter that began horribly and could take an ugly turn. if i don't walk away at this point, i'm stuck . . .

i opened the door and walked into the noise and brightness of the room and never turned to look back at him. when he stepped out reality set in and he became someone from my past - a memory that i shall remember fondly, but still a simple memory. for the remainder of the night we continued to engage in conversation, mindful of the unspoken disconnect that had taken place. there is nothing that can change what we've shared, but the distance between us now is too great - we will always be close and know that one day we will look back at all of this and laugh . . .

about last night . . .PART II

once our friends discovered the two of us were missing the calls commenced (what did we do before cell phones?). my pity party and q&a session was cut short and i would have to take the information at face value until we reached our next destination.

at the birthday boy’s request, the party moved to a local strip club. four glasses of champagne, a dirty martini and glass of merlot later i didn’t care where we went. . . i just wanted the party to continue. the number of women in our group certainly outnumbered the men, but i felt compelled to focus my attention on my ex – there is something about being in a room with a former lover as he watches naked women dance that forces a woman to want to please him at any cost.

mistake #2: i let him get too close . . .

at this point the intoxication has completely settled in and i’m vulnerable and weak. as he hands me dollar bills to tip the dancers of his choice, he whispers things to me that conjure memories of our experiences – all ten years of experience. by this time i’m so wrapped up in him and the surreal feelings of being surrounded by naked women i’ve lost all sense of reality and the fact that he is no longer mine to lust for.

as the club shuts down, he and i continue to talk and pick up where we left things before they went sour last year. he invades my space as only a lover should, speaks low in my ear and reclaims a territory that only he knows and i am too comfortable with him occupying. as he makes suggestions for our next moves, i force myself to take note of the gold band that he wears on his left ring finger, momentarily regain my senses, take a step back and bring the ring to his attention. this gives me enough time to walk away to find my way to the car.

unfortunately my strength was short-lived and i find myself climbing into the backseat of the car with him at my side as we’re transported to the next leg of our journey. as we ride in silence, i immediately reach for his arms as i always have, bury my head in his chest and cry soft and silent tears wishing that i could find this place every night as i had in the past. as we make our way through the streets i find myself remembering moments he and i shared during early mornings and being envious of his fiancée . . .

about last night . . .PART I

there is nothing like a birthday celebration to bring old friends together. friday night marked the first time i'd seen my ex since the news of his engagement thanks to a mutual friend's surprise dinner. after a week of agonizing over the idea of having to see my ex and the possibility of seeing his fiancée, i was fortunate to only have to face one of my fears.

for the record - HE DOES NOT LOVE THAT WOMAN! now on with the night's details . . .

my friends and i posted ourselves at cranberries to wait for the birthday boy. being the woman i am i was sure to look my best, accentuating my best assets, looking as tempting as possible to ensure the end result was achieved - pure doubt in ever letting me go. i donned a fitted white tee adorned with the word chocolate, a red blazer and curve hugging dark jeans. prior to mr. big's arrival i occupied my time and mind to prepare for the battle of the egos that was sure to ensue.

my body sensed the moment he walked through the door. . . lucky for me i had the upper hand when he arrived - standing at the bar, martini in had, head tossed back in sheer pleasure, surrounded by drooling men. mr. big and i locked eyes for a brief moment and i knew the party was just starting.

i'm a fully capable of being a bitch when need be - and this night called for me to bring out all the stops. for an hour and half i intentionally didn't acknowledge his presence . . . in situations such as these only the strong survive. as i maintained the upper hand, Big plotted his own plan of attack.

we gathered to take a few pictures with the birthday boy and for the first time big and i were forced to be within close physical proximity, but i stood firm in my ability to be charming to everyone, but him.

as he and i passed each other in the crowd he bit the bullet stopped me by my wrist and leaned in close to offer his greetings, "i'm not gonna be petty all night . . . how you doing?" "fine, thanks. and of course i kept it moving (if only i'd maintained that composure for the remainder of the night, but i can thank the beauty gods for waterproof mascara).

later, he and i attempted to exchange words over the music of the live band, but conversations between former lovers shouldn't be subjected to pitiful attempts of yelling low enough that people don't hear. this is where i lost control of the evening . . .

mistake #1: we moved the conversation outside . . . and my martini and champagne consumption started to take effect.

we exchanged to usual who said what, did what and he acknowledged two important facts: his wrongs and my treating him as if he were a complete stranger all night. the discussion continued and tears followed shortly thereafter. standing in the cold, wiping tears from my face i realized something . . . the amount of communication we had in that thirty minutes was more productive that the conversations we'd had in the previous two years . . .

sonofabitch . . .

Rep: Aniston Wasn't Alerted to Pregnancy Thursday January 12 7:47 PM ET - AP

Brad Pitt did not call Jennifer Aniston to tell her about girlfriend Angelina Jolie's pregnancy announcement, entertainment TV show "Extra" reported Thursday.
Aniston's publicist, Stephen Huvane, cleared up reports that Pitt and former wife Aniston spoke before the announcement on Wednesday.

"All the reports about phone calls between Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are all made-up lies," Huvane told "Extra."

Pitt's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, confirmed on Wednesday that Jolie, 30, is expecting a baby this summer with Pitt. Jolie, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N., leaked the news to a charity aid worker while filming "The Good Shepherd" in the Dominican Republic.

Pitt, 42, has also filed to be the adoptive father to Jolie's children, Maddox and Zahara.

Pitt and Aniston, 36, divorced last October after 4 1/2 years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. Pitt has denied Jolie was behind the split.

21 rules for the new year

so i sent out a very thoughtful and self-improvement'esq email to my friends as a healthy way to go into the new year. below is the original version with the additions one of my oh so fabulous former colleauges sent back -- let's just say that i love his version so much more - thanks BW!!!

Thanks N'Oprah... and a Happy New Year to you! Because I can't just simply let this go without comment, I've decided to add a lil sumsum down below:

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.-- SMILE WHEN YOU BITCH SLAP 'EM

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. -- SHIT PLEASE. MAKE IT LEGAL AND I'LL GET MARRIED SEVERAL TIMES THIS YEAR TO PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO TALK DIRTY TO ME!

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. -- BUT EAT AND DRINK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it. -- OR AT LEAST DON'T LOOK BORED IF YOU HAVE TO FAKE IT

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. --BUT BE SURE TO SAY IT LOUDLY IF THEY'RE BLIND OR THAT YOU'RE LOOKING INTO THEIR GOOD EYE IF BLIND IN ONLY ONE EYE

6 Be engaged at least six months before you get married. --ESPECIALLY IF IT'S A SHOTGUN WEDDING!

7. Believe in love at first sight. -- AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO FALL INTO LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT SEVERAL TIMES THIS YEAR... BUT USE PROTECTION

8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. -- BUT FUNNY DREAMS ARE OKAY TO LAUGH AT

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.-- DEEP AND PASSIONATE LOVE... HURT? I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE!

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. -- UNLESS IT'S BITCH OR HO OR IGNANT

11. Don't judge people by their relatives. -- JUDGE THEM BY THE SHOES THEY WEAR AND THE CARS THEY DRIVE (OR BY THEIR BUS ROUTE)

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.-- WALK SLOWLY AND DRINK QUICKLY

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" -- AND THEN FROWN AND SAY "TAIN YO BI'NESS"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. -- FORGET IT... USE A CONDOM NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU!!

15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. -- AND IF THEY BECOME OFFENDED AT BEING BLESSED BY SOMEONE AS LOWLY AS YOURSELF, ADOPT THE SEINFELD SOLUTION: YOU'RE SO GOOD LOOKIN.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson -- OR BETTER YET, NEVER LOSE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LOSING THE LESSON.

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. -- BECAUSE SANTA'S WATCHING!

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. -- END THE FRIENDSHIP FOR ALL THE OTHER REASONS

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. -- THEN BLAME THE MISTAKE ON SOMEONE ELSE AND CREDIT YOURSELF WITH THE SOLUTION

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. -- GRITTING YOUR TEETH DOES NOT COUNT

21. Spend some time alone. -- SPENDING TIME ALONE ELIMINATES THE NEED TO WORRY ABOUT STEPS 1 THROUGH 20!!

another one bites the dust . . .

as of january 10 i am sorely disappointed. as a member of team aniston, i was more than hurt by the recent news of brangelina’s pregnancy. rumor has it that brad was kind enough to contact jen to break the news to her . . . if only my ex had been so thoughtful. karma is a bitch, this soon to be short-lived bliss will catch up with brad soon enough.

another piece of celebrity news that is eating away at my beliefs in relationships - the pending divorce of chad lowe and miss million dollar baby proves that no matter the level of love and celebritism - the unbalanced success will take its toll on a relationship. it also proves that once you’re married you need to invest in a television . . . they probably got tired of relying on each other for entertainment.

as long as will/jada and SJP/matthew brodrick maintain their relationships i’ll maintain my respect for love and commitment.

why is thesmokinggun.com picking on james frey? who the hell cares if he changed a few details . . . he took drugs, wrote a book and ended up with a best-selling memoir, thanks to oprah – let it be. a million little pieces was a admirable body of work detailing an amazing experience with overcoming addiction. we must remember this – a changed detail does not alter the experience.

how do we know that all of the facts and details of memories of a geisha girl were truly accurate. significant details of ‘remember the titans’ were altered for the movie, but that doesn’t take away from the greatness of the story . . . james frey wrote his ass off and is changing lives, plain and simple.

too telling . . .

my horoscope from friday --

the day ahead should be an opportunity for you to analyze the events of the past three weeks! no doubt you'll draw many important conclusions about your love life. in the final analysis, you may conclude that matters have evolved little, if at all. This is discouraging, to be sure, but don't place too much trust in appearances. remember, things are not always as they seem.

glad i know that now . . . i'm taking the weekend to analyze =)

by myself . . . pt. II

first a little background: i'm not overly superstitious, at least i try not to be, but there has to be something more to my recurring issue of not being able to keep a man. several years ago i had my palm read . . . followed all of the rules and gave the reader no indications of whether she was hitting any "hot topics" to avoid any generic fortune telling. during this reading i was told that a woman in my family (my grandmother) had been cursed by a woman who was jealous of her and that all of her female bloodline would suffer the repercussions of this curse. all of the relationships we had would fail because somebody in louisiana got mad and buried something in a backyard.

last fall i decided to have my palm read again just to see – maybe the last reading was just wrong . . . that would be too much like right. i went to a completely different reader and was told the same account . . . at this point i’m freaked out by the fact that my second opinion has given me the same result – i’m jacked when it comes to relationships, not because of my own doing, but because of some Louisiana bayou mess that my grandmother was involved in.

now this is all relevant because i’ve just been ‘let down easy’ for the umpteenth time . . .

until recently i was being courted by a young man that i’d taken a particular liking to. slowly but surely being swept off my feet, just as i’d wanted. what woman wouldn’t find it hard to resist a man who actually does what he says he’s going to do or isn’t afraid to talk about the future or better yet the prospect of a future with you . . . until yesterday i was one of the few, the proud, a woman who could see a long term relationship on the horizon. i was faced with a strong man who was adamant and honest about his feelings for me and the possibility of “we” – not based on my own assumptions, but because he told me. i was filled with the overwhelming hope of solidifying a connection and bond through something other than a physical encounter. finally, the commitment, love and respect that i deserved.

that was until last night. my six hour suitor returned from an extended holiday trip and made it known that he missed me so much that he had to see me the night he returned to DC. Little did i know that this was only to let me know that “God was leading him in the direction of” a young woman he’d met before me. he also let me know that he still wanted to be friends with me because i am an amazing woman . . . i’m not one to stand in the way of God’s plans, but why was this guy even wasting my time and disrespecting “the chosen one” by even talking to me as seriously as he was . . . he was talking about marriage, kids, the whole nine yards, but to no avail cause that’s “not what God wanted”.

after he left i didn’t cry, there wasn’t much shocked and aww – honestly i’d actually anticipated this outcome. but it still sucks. there is nothing more disappointing than having your expectations established by someone only to have that person deflate the hope they initiated.

all by myself . . .

i really do understand where AM was coming from when it comes to NYE. this NYE was the purrfect ending to a wack ass year.

a few weeks ago i asked one of my "friends" to join me for NYE festivities. did as much as i could to keep her in the loop regarding the event - even signed her up for the e-updates provided by the event planners . . . but to no avail and in the words of DC's former mayor, "that bitch [stood] me up . . ."

the tuesday before NYE i inquired about our plans, filled with excitement, i was hit with the news that she'd decided to go to NY for NYE. my question - when the hell was i gonna find out about this? to add insult to injury, not only had i spoken with her several times, but she'd also told other people of her plans, meaning that she intentionally didn't tell me . . . friends, how many of us have them.

i've make it a habit to treat people, especially my friends, with the "do unto others . . ." credo, out of respect, love and loyalty. i've come to the conclusion that some people just aren't worth the time or effort because they would never do the same for you.

needless to say, i prettied myself up, garnished enough gusto for 2 hours of smiles and went to the party, alone. luckily, i had my new beau to keep me warm via telephone (since he doesn't return to DC until mid-week).

despite the constant smacks in the face i received in 05, i have come to the conclusion that 2006 is going to be outstanding for me based on recent developments. as it stands right now i'm celebrating anew job, a (possible) new man and a very hopeful new year!!!