Friday, February 24, 2006

10 times 3 pt. III

drumroll please . . .

  1. i'm still single. by the time my mother was my age is had been married and had a beautiful baby girl. this only bothers me because i haven't had a successful relationship in many, many years. i'm happy in my single-dom, but its only human to want to share space and time with a person whose company you enjoy
  2. i still don't know what i'm doing with my life. over the years my expectations of my career, my personal life, my friendships have all deteriorated because each of these things don't measure up to what i anticipated in 1997. when i left high school i KNEW that the world was mine to conquer. now, i'm trying to figure out what the hell happened.
  3. i'm fat, well sorta. black august and marathon training were a God send. i remember being at cheerleading practice my senior year of high school and looking at my late 20's coach (and former cheerleader) and wondering why she'd let herself go. i promised myself that i'd never go on birth control for fear of gaining weight and i vowed to myself that i'd stay a solid and athletic size 6/8 FOREVER if it killed me. HA! i wish i still had that determination and willpower. i just got back to a 10/12 and less than 2 years ago i was knocking on 200 lbs and severely depressed because of it. i'm happy to be healthy and happy now, but dayum what happen to the 17 year old in me?
  4. there is no reason why i shouldn't own something. a car, a condo, a cute ass dog, something . . .
  5. i still rely on my parents every once in a while. now we all know that daddy's are money trees, but dayum can i stop running to my parents to get me out of a bind. i must say that i held it down when i was out of work for six months, but still . . . get it together
  6. all of my friends are beautiful, smart and SINGLE. out of the 15 girls i kicked it with in undergrad only two are married, one is walking the isle in april and one is a single mother. those numbers aren't that promising. i went to see something new with two girlfriends from high school - who are also single - and found myself tripping the entire time because i saw myself and some of, no excuse me, most of my friends in the characters. can you say scary?
  7. after going to a 1st bday party recently, i'm happy that i'm not a single parent. after babysitting a 5 month old the other day, i'm dayum happy not to be a single parent. i'm happy for several reasons. 1) babies are heavy and i haven't lifted weights in years. 2) my maternal instincts deteriorate every year i spend living alone.
  8. sometimes i feel like i've let my parents down. not exactly sure why or how, i just feel that way.
  9. graduate school seems light years away . . . will i ever get there?
  10. what happened to my christian spirit. i've fallen off my community service horse and feel horrible. i haven't been to church in over two years. i used to be a deacon at my church. i attended schools that required community service hours to graduate and i always wanted to do more than what i had to. now i can think of the last time i was of service to the less fortunate. i've got to get back on the band wagon and stop slighting myself and my community.


Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Cheer up baby. Let's hang out soon. I want to see the movie too. :)

1:28 AM  
Blogger Molly Malone said...

I can identify with numbers 2 and 10. ... and i'm a lot closer to 30 than you! Read "Flux: Life, love, sex and family in a half changed world" by Peg Orenstein. It won't make you feel any better per se, but it really addresses the whole "oh shit, how do I - as a woman with ostensible opportunities - fit in in this world?"

12:03 PM  
Blogger Siryn said...

I think we must be careful to compare ourselves to our parents' generation, because we are NOT them. We are far more independent as women, and a 30 year old unmarried woman back then was a spinster. Not anymore, unless you MAKE yourself a spinster.

I think a lot of the sources of your anxiety aren't really hinged upon approaching 30. Your body size, your friendships, your spirituality - these things are not anchored to being 30.

I'm 31. I tried remembering my mother at 31 - can't, really, because I was only 4, but I remember some things. In some ways I'm light years ahead of my mother, in others, I'm light years behind. But 30 is just a societal benchmark because our parents used to think it was old. Immature people still think it's old.

At this point, your best thing would be to focus on moving forward, but not so much on 30. Get your financial house in order. Make a career plan that hopefully fits your passions. What are your passions? What drives you?

Maybe some deeper introspection and a little bit of 'just do it' is in order.

6:37 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home