Monday, February 20, 2006

a little to the left . . .

there is something to be said for the single woman or man with discerning taste, better known as being too picky. i've found that the older my friends and i get the more particular we are about the qualities - personality, appearance, social abilities, etc. - that we look for in a man. i've noticed more recently i've axed a suitor or two based on his ability to hold a decent conversation, how nice he was or wasn't, whether not we were sexually compatible, even astrological compatibility. there have been several article that have strengthened my rationale in making rash decisions based on what would seem to be the most minute deal-breakers.

does that make me wrong? should i humble myself to find the one? i don't think so . . .

would i hold up in a pro vs. con debate of a gentleman whose attention i sought? would i want to know that i was cut from a dudes roster because i said goodbye vs. peace when ending a conversation? would i want to be held under the same microscope that i examine my gentlemen callers?

to be perfectly honest, yes and no.

personally, i find that its easier to say what you dislike before you can lay out a list of what is attractive to you, aside the physical descriptions we've become so familiar with - you know the typical "tall, dark and handsome" that crosses all color, creeds and races, and i'm not alone. but does the ability to point out the negative in someone or what you don't find appealing about them and face that up front make you a bad person?

isn't it better to recognize something that be a deal breaker early in the game rather than get your feelings and the other persons feelings all wrapped up in something your not going to be happy or satisfied with later.
at this point in my life i realize that i can do bad by myself. as i approach 30, my eyes have been opened to a lot of things that i took for granted as an undergrad. the butterflies, roses and candy love affairs have since ceased and reality has set in - love not something you rush into and is definitely not a fairy tale. it is a commitment not to be entered lightly and should be considered as the foundation of a lifelong legacy.


Blogger Molly Malone said...

i liked the Post piece. but i think it brings up a good point: that the minutae that the folks profiled break up over usually are representative of some broader issue. with the Taquito girl and the paella guy, it sounded like their S.O.'s were upset that they weren't more "cultured." (they felt they couldn't share their joy for the finer things.) and with the shoe girl, it sounded like she ultimately didn't like the nit-pickiness of her pit bull owning boyfriend.

I think being picky is a very good thing when choosing a mate. But you also have to allow yourself and the other room to change. (And if you're truly interested in eachother, you will.) While people may not fundamentally change in some ways, they will in others. years ago, my honey was a white wine only person. (something i could not understand.) now he shares my strong preference for red. but HE himself was a wonderful enough person that i could deal with it, and he learned to like my stuff. same with me and scifi - i'm developing a like for it, because my love for him has expanded my tastes. on the flipside, there was the guy i broke up with a decade ago for whom my main criticism and retrospect breakup reason was: "he went to church for 17 years and ACTUALLY thinks Jesus and Moses were contemporaries?" i can't be with someone who misses HUGE details like a several thousand year gap in history! but the truth of the matter is, i got bored with him; my interest just had an expiration date with this one.
All this is to say: you have to know when a deal killer is truly a deal-killer. Ultimately, if the suitor is interesting enough and if he's interested enough, you'll discover flexibility and you'll learn to see eachother's once-annoying habits as endearing pecadillos.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Molly Malone said...

... of course, the beauty of dating in your late 20s and 30s, is though, that you know what the hell you like and don't like and so you can be more particular more quickly about whom you spend your time with.

12:31 PM  
Blogger NubianTemptres43 said...

i agree with being open-minded, there is no one more open than me, but i think deal breakers are the fundamental differences of each individuals personality that won't change - i can't be with someone who has a mean sense of humor (gets off on putting people down) or doesn't know how to read unspoken boundaries, you have to be able to interact with people and know the limits.

the last guy who was cut from my roster was a cry baby, the guy before that was borderline verbally and mentally abusive. people have habits that can be broken, but being sappy or rude is something that i don't stick around to wait out.

and as far as the post article -i've also stopped talking to a guy because he didn't know what starbucks was . . . even if you don't drink coffee you can't miss a starbucks every other block when you live in DC.

8:18 PM  
Blogger Molly Malone said...

reading what you've dropped guys for, it doesn't sound like you're being "picky" at all. it sounds like you've got a healthy sense of self esteem, and a compassion for others. (ie, the no tolerance for jerks.) ... i must say, regardless of where you live, you've had to at least HEARD of starbucks. was that guy an iceman just thawed out for this century? it would suck to go out with someone who lives under a rock!

10:50 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

the quote from clueless comes to mind:

"you see how picky i am about my shoes and they only go on my feet."

always go with what is pleasing to you.

10:22 PM  

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